You’re Doing It Wrong

Standard

I might have said that one thing, but I didn't say that other thing

FAMOUS MOMENTS IN CAKE-RELATED HISTORY

1538-”A man can not have his cake and eate his cake!” the Duke of Norfolk screams in a letter to Thomas Cromwell.

1773-”A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges,” Benjamin Franklin writes ominously three years before the Revolutionary War.

1789- “The people can go eff themselves,” says Marie Antoinette while eating a huge piece of cake.

1864-”Johnnycakes are awful and not really cakes,” several people admit on their deathbeds during the Civil War.

1900- “What am i even fighting for??!!!” A British man cries and slams his fist into a sponge cake during the Boer War.

1945- “I was just following orders!” claims a Nazi army cook when asked why he doubled the amount of butter in a cake.

1995- “You can’t eat your cake and have it too,” writes the anonymous Unabomber leading to the arrest of Ted Kaczynski.

And now 2014, there are shockwaves in the world of cake cutting news. Last week NPR ran a story featuring Alex Bellos resurrecting the cake cutting methods of a deceased British mathematician named Sir Francis Galton.

slicedcake

Galton, you see, was Charles Darwin’s first cousin and “one of the fathers of modern statistics.” So the man knew how to cut a cake.

In 1906 he wrote a letter to Nature magazine explaining why cutting cake into wedges is total shite.

pink-lady-cake-by-smitten-kitchen-450x299

Basically, unless you eat the entire cake in one sitting the edge pieces swiftly dry out due to the loss of the icing sealant where the cake interior has been exposed.

BostonCreamPieSideCut

Instead, Galton implored dessert eaters to cut long slices the entire diameter of the cake from the center and then slide the two sides of the cake back together and bind them together (Bellos suggests rubber bands). Then the next day, you quarter the cake, cut your slice from the middle, and ram it back together again. You basically keep doing that till the cake is gone.

german-chocolate-cake

It stays moist that way.

So how does it feel to be told you’re cutting your cake all wrong and always have been?

Is science right again?

Was that mascarpone cake I made for Dave’s birthday really too rich or does he have a personal problem with rich cakes?

So many personal cake problems to work out…and then there’s the Iraqi War…

Spartan Holiday Is Not Dead

Standard

Well, it’s happened. From the nest of Spartan Holiday has  hatched a hungry little cross-eyed blog called Disglossia. Spartan Holiday will be taking a brief hiatus to gather worms and such to feed it.

bookshelf

Meanwhile, I think you will find Disglossia to be refreshing, readable, and completely relevant to your eternal struggle for meaning-making in this cypress swamp of a world.

And that’s good.

Here’s what you can expect:

Pictures: At least one per post.

laliheart

Words: Lots of them (but not too many) strung together into sentence systems syntactically correct for the English language.

Timelines: I like history and following lines of history through time all the way into the present tense, sometimes skipping over vitally important things just to demonstrate how history writing works in the real world.

And more!

Meanwhile, Spartan Holiday is not dead. If it were, I would not say it was out “looking for worms.” I would say it was killed, murdered, or crushed by army tanks.

Spartan Holiday is alive and well.

 

 

 

 

 

Antarctica Myths Unraveled

Standard

Finally! Here we are in beautiful Antarctica where scientists roam free as seabirds in the summer and the sun never sets but just keeps circling elliptically.

tent

What’s it like to live in Antarctica? Most of us would like to be told second-hand from our comfy armchairs beside a crackling fire.

blueice

So that is just what’s going to happen. Dial up the thermostat. Pour yourself some hot chocolate. Get comfortable. You’re gonna wanna be really warm and indolent while reading about subzero temperatures, and polar winds, and the Frosty Boy ice cream machine. I have compiled below a list of Antarctic myths and then cracked them wide open, beaten them to a pulp and shipped them off continent. We’ll have no dirty Antarctic lies soiling the pristine snow-blanketed land. (Is Antarctica blanketed in snow??! Scroll to #8 to find out.)

skiing

How do I know so much about Antarctica, never having been there myself, you ask? Well, I hear about it incessantly from Dave who has gone there every field season (October-January) for the last five years. Turns out Antarctica is sort of the measuring stick and ne plus ultra for every uncomfortable or extreme situation.

Obviously, it is never as cold in New Mexico as it is in Antarctica, a fact I’m reminded of whenever I gripe about the cold. If I say, “Isn’t the landscape desolate and barren?” Dave would say, “Not as barren as Antarctica.” If I say, “We live in the southwest.” Dave would say, “Well, this isn’t really south. Not as south as Antarctica.”

Stuff like that.

So I’ve learned a lot about Antarctica, actually, some of which I wish I could unlearn, but I can’t. And so:

planedebord

Antarctic Myths Unraveled

1) It makes total sense to have time zones in Antarctica

At the poles the time zones converge, like stripes on a watermelon at the ends of a watermelon. This means that at the pole proper the time is always all times at once, or more accurately no time at all. It’s crazymaking. (See Myth # 4.) So how are time zones chosen at each of the bases? Some observe the time of the home country. Others, like McMurdo, the U.S.’s base, observe the time of their country’s official port of departure–Christchurch, New Zealand. As you can imagine, it is totally nuts and leads to lots of funny misunderstandings re:times of dinner parties and countdowns at New Year’s Eve, etc.

mcmurdo

The view from McMurdo

2) You can pee anywhere you want in Antarctica

False. The overarching mantra in Antarctica is “leave no trace.” You cannot steal rocks or pee on the ground willy nilly or even bury a piece of macaroni with your girlfriend’s name written on it in ballpoint pen for future generations to discover. So if you’re working in the field, you pee into a Nalgene bottle. On a bad day your bladder holds more than a Nalgene bottle does and you need to switch bottles in mid-stream.

Although the waste at McMurdo is treated and then dumped into the sound, the waste from the camps is either incinerated in what is known as a rocket toilet or shipped off continent back to America. Dave says the ships come bearing supplies and leave bearing poop, which could be a metaphor for so many things in life.

rock

Don’t even think about peeing there

3) German engineers are the best glacier berry pickers

A glacier berry is a huge hunk of ice calved from a larger hunk that is “plucked” from the Antarctic landscape near a camp (in one of the many classic countermands to the leave-no-trace rule) and hauled back to camp via snowmobile to melt for drinking and kitchen water.

Although some German engineers at Lake Hoare Camp believed and perpetrated the myth that they had collected a new record-weight glacier berry, in fact, if they would have just looked out the window they would have seen a much larger glacier berry freshly plucked by someone else. (namely Dave and his science team Bravo 330).

IMG_5204

The “berry patch” bin at Lake Hoare Camp

4) Impeccable mental health is a requirement for a tour of duty in Antarctica

Dave reports that although scientists who “winter over” at the South Pole station must undergo rigorous mental testing, the average work-a-day summer scientist does not. Almost every year, someone goes crazy, what with the cold and endless daylight and effed up time zones. Sometimes people just wander off into the Antarctic weald. Sometimes people at the south pole snap and the FBI has to go remove them, like the galley cook who attacked another cook with the claw end of a hammer in 1996. Even when you don’t go crazy you may need to do crazy things, like the south pole doctor who diagnosed herself with breast cancer, biopsied herself, and administered her own chemotherapy while waiting for rescue.

Erebus

5) The Antarctic soil is sterile

Wow, do not drop this as a fun fact at parties, because it is not fun or factual.

IMG_7969

6) Rubbing your hands together is a great way to warm them up.

False. Dave says rubbing your hands together is crap. What you really want to do is drop your arms to your side and vigorously jerk-shrug your shoulders to forcefully shunt blood down to your hands.

scientistteaparty

7) Fumbling, mumbling, stumbling, and grumbling are nothing to worry about in Antarctica.

FALSE this string of behaviors is known as the “umbles” and is a good sign that you are suffering from hypothermia. This is one of the cutest and cleverest survival tips they teach you at snow school before you are allowed to work in the field.

tentsinsnow

A scene from snow school

8) The food sucks in Antarctica

While it’s true that “freshies” are a rare delicacy, Lake Hoare Camp (soon to be featured in an upcoming issue of Food and Wine) is a culinary mecca by any standard grace à the impressive skills of Rae Spain, camp manager for the last 18 years. So while I am sitting at home slurping lukewarm soup from a box, Dave will phone me up (on the iridium phone) and report that he will be dining on paella or pad thai or freshly-baked bread.

The food is less spectacular at the McMurdo galley, save for the Frosty Boy ice cream machine, which Dave reports is very delicious.

dinnerhoare

10) Antarctica is covered with snow

I know this one is especially hard to swallow for those of us who picture an entire continent of shimmering snow drifts, unending as a Texas sheet cake, but it turns out that part of Antarctica is desert which means no precipitation, which means no snow. Dave, for instance, works in the Dry Valleys which gets around 10 centimeters of precip per year, most of which ablates. Here he is in what appear to be moon boots rather than snow boots.

Davecoatvalleys

11) Antarctica has a ton of polar bears and sled dogs

Wrong. Those things only exist at the north pole, which yes, I know, we should call them north polar bears. But still, whatever you do, don’t ask an Antarctic scientist about polar bear encounters. They will laugh at you and drop phrases like “biogeographical ignorance.” Although early explorers used sled dogs to slog from one creaky, frigid little shack to another, dogs are now illegal on the continent because they spook (and eat) seals. You can stop searching for a Puppies in Antarctica slide shows on Youtube and instead look at this cute picture Dave took of a seal.

seal

Well! I think I have successfully identified and obliterated all of the long-cherished myths about Antarctica. Everything else you believe about Antarctica not mentioned here is probably true.

But do you have a question? I invite you to post them in the comments. Remember, no questions are dumb questions except for ones that are really ignorant.

Anti-Artikos: Prologue

Standard

Russian_Propaganda_WWII_by_Logolotta

It’s time. It’s time to shake off the shackles of grad school. Are you in grad school? Join me in my freedom fight! It’s spring break here and we can all just walk away and never look back. At least for a week…if we didn’t have a mini-inquiry power point presentation due when we get back. Solidarity!

ussrfamily

This Soviet family is sticking together through graduate school.

Are you not in grad school? You can stand by grad schoolers by inviting them to share in the fruits of liberty…like having a beer on a week night or patronizing a movie theater. You can refuse to laugh at their pale faces and shifty eyes. You can sneak them a cigarette or slip them a shiv, no strings attached. You can send them air mail letters!

russian

We will revel in the winter wheat for it is spring break.

Oh…what? It’s too soon for gulag jokes? When will gulag jokes be politically correct? Not until 2053, one hundred years after the death of Stalin. Then it’s no holds barred.

Prison itself could be funny someday when it ceases to exist because 1) all criminally disposed DNA is bred out of the species 2) every last person on earth is in prison or 3) prison becomes a much posher place than the outside world.

Note to Andy: movie script where people bend over backwards to break the law in an ever more lawless world, because prison is such a safe and swanky place to be.

So we are off to Antarctica, land of scientists, libertines and mummified penguins. Won’t you come along? Won’t you? In a few days I mean. When we go to Antarctica. Because Dave has to give me pictures and he’s tramping around some rock with his brother in northern New Mexico.

Bundle up. Get ready to pee in a jar. Say goodbye to your loved ones. Things are different there.

And call me if you want to go out for a beer

Two Things

Standard

I have taken a break from my studies to share a couple of things: 1) The Antarctic Mystique blog is still in progress. Keep in mind that it’s a blog about an entire continent–a rather inaccessible, morbid and glacier-slammed continent at that.

What should you expect? The same balls-to-the-wall, ends-of-the-earth drama as my Artikos series. Which takes time.

jackpot

Right now I would say I’m in the middle stages–conducting interviews and gathering data. I’m processing the data and collecting waivers to shield me from any possible litigation. I’m photo-shopping pictures. I’m also doing some other stuff.

Other things I’m doing: corroborating inflammatory claims. Claims like: “There is no ‘pole’ at the South Pole.” and: “Ernest Shackleton was a much nicer guy than Robert Falcon Scott, as evidenced in the layout of his Antarctic headquarters in an egalitarian fashion as opposed to Scott’s more hierarchical design.”

I’m asking hard-hitting questions: “Is it true that the Americans have not scored a single point against the Kiwis in the 25-year-old annual Antarctic rugby game?” “Is the Frosty Boy soft serve machine in the McMurdo cafeteria really that much better than other soft serve machines on more civilized continents?”

These are the sorts of questions I’m asking.

frosty399

Also, I am in grad school. Remember??? Jeesh. I’m busy!

Okay, onto the second piece of news: 2) The Winter Olympics are over and I only watched two events. (Thank you Grace and Will for hooking me up.)

What was it like? Instead of Men on Skis there was just a bunch of Kids on Snowboards doing whirly twirlys and these weird jumpy thingies over giant nesting dolls. That’s when I decided that the magic of the 1988 Calgary Games that I’ve been trying to recapture for 26 years is gone…vaporized like snow in certain atmospheric conditions.

nikolay_zhukov_caucasus_1936_0

Let’s review the facts: Palm trees grow in Sochi, the cold war is over, and I don’t even recognize half of the events anymore.

Am I the only one that feels this way??? About the Olympics??? No, I’m am NOT.

Here’s a brief interview with the paragon of old-school Olympianism (and by “old school” I mean the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics), men’s downhill gold medalist and Swiss skier, Pirmin Zubriggen.

zurbriggen_discesa_getty_1

A few things you should know before reading the transcript: Zurbriggen won the men’s downhill by half a second, just edging out his Swiss teammate Peter Mueller. Mueller skied first, giving ABC the opportunity to zoom in on his face as he waited for Zurbriggen to descend. It was intense and made all the more suspenseful by ABC’s laying down “Every Breath You Take” by the Police while zooming in on Mueller’s ice-blue eyes. I have it all on VHS.

Zurbriggen-2

Spartan Holiday: Pirmin Zurbriggen, there seems to be a sort of romantic alpenglow around you that I haven’t noticed around today’s Olympic athletes. Why is that?

Pirmin Zubriggen: Well, I live in the Alps and the sun is now setting.

 Spartan Holiday: That’s one explanation. But wouldn’t you say that the belle epoque of the Winter Olympics are over?

Zurbriggen: I wouldn’t say that. There are many, wonderful people…dedicated athletes…still competing…

(We lose Skype connection)

So there you have it. If Pirmin Zurbriggen, the Swiss deity on skis says the Olympics are ruined, you can hardly argue. But I do sort of wish I had a TV. And free time.

If you have free time, you should share your favorite Winter Olympics moments here. Wouldn’t it be fun to reminisce? Freely? With your abundance of time? I think it would.

PS: I found the song lyrics to “Every Breath You Take” and paired it with this picture of an Arctic whale to sort of synthesize the different topics of this blog. Music here. Enjoy:

Rrrrrrroooooo

Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I’ll be watching you

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I’ll be watching you

Oh, can’t you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I’ll be watching you

Stuff I Learned in Grad School: Part One

Standard

Things have been quiet in the Spartan Holiday offices of late. Production outputs are down even as demand for new blogs is skyrocketing. And by skyrocketing, I mean somebody mentioned that they were still waiting to read Spartan Holiday’s Insider’s Guide to Antarctica.

Well guess what, Demanding Public? Somebody else just started grad school and is burning the candle double time, reading scholarly papers night and day, day and night, so maybe all of you leisurely, indolent, brick-throwing blog readers should GET OFF MY BACK!!!

That outburst was intentional and meant to illustrate two points: 1) Grad school is stressful and can cause people to snap at the slimmest provocation. 2) Grad school is mentally taxing and can make you forget the second point of your outburst. 3) Social media research shows that angry outbursts receive more “likes” than posts that assume a neutral position.

IMG_5453

Is my daughter pretending to be trapped in kitchen cupboards as a last ditch effort to get Mommy’s attention? This never happened before I started grad school.

So don’t worry, lathered-up readers, the Insider’s Secret Unlicensed Uncensored Guide to Antarctica is coming, but for the next few months you should expect a leaner, meaner, greener Spartan Holiday. (Less blogs means less chance of tree killers printing off the blogs…which calls to my attention that “blog” sounds an awful lot like “log.”)

IMG_5205

Spoiler Alert: An Antarctic hut or lab or something.

You should also expect me to frequently list Things I Learned in Grad School. I can’t help it, it’s the budding, dewy-eyed educator in me. So let’s begin, keeping in mind that learning is not merely transmitted; it’s an exchange, the respectful co-creation of ideas. Please share your own rich stores of knowledge and experience below.

Things I Learned In Grad School

1) In First and Second Language Development within Cultural Contexts, I learned that some cultures teach babies to wield knives before they can even walk.This means that instead of overprotective Westerners having their baloney-handed, pin-cushion babies bat at mobiles, they could be training them to slice, dice and cut various items such as fruit, meat, rope or twigs–a useful skill! This is but one illustration of how human potential is limited and channeled by cultural expectations.

EfeBaby

(A few of my friends (Dave and Brian) argued that this Efe baby did not look all that “skillful” in his knife work, but I attribute their criticism to reactionary ethnocentrism.)

2)  In my Intro to Linguistic Analysis class I learned the articles “a” and “the” are primarily used in information structure to convey and reflect whether or not we have addressed certain information before, or to designate identifiable (given) concepts versus unidentifiable concepts. We use the definite article (the) when the concept is identifiable or when a unique concept is intended. We use the indefinite article (a/an) when the concept is new and not identifiable. The fluent use of a/the displays an intricate unconscious system of shared conceptual categorization and remembered discourse.

I pretty much knew this before, but I could never have explained it at parties so succinctly.

RetroCocktailParty-620x341

Would you like *the* canape from *a* tray?? Oops, I mean *a* canapy from *the* tray.

3) In that same class I learned this joke: There’s a German guy and a French guy and a British guy arguing about whose language is the best.

German Guy: German is off course zee best language. It is zee language of logik and philosophy and wiz German you can communicate wiz great clarity and precision even zee most complex ideas.

French Guy: Aaaaah non! But French ees ze language of lurve! En Française you can capture all of ze subtleties of romance wees great flair wheech ees good for ze survival of ze species.

English Guy (after long contemplative pause): I see what you’re saying, and it’s all well and good, but…take a spoon: you Germans call a spoon a “löffel” and you French call it a “cuillière.” But we call it a “spoon” and when you really stop to think about it, isn’t that what it really is?

Oh man. It’s funny because it’s true! English just makes sense! (It’s also funny because it reinforces cultural stereotypes in a world where generalizations are becoming more and more compromised by cultural pluralities.)

spoon - goodSo as you can see, grad school is not just laborious, it’s also fascinating…and making me a more fascinating person at parties…and maybe more employable. For that I am grateful.

If I learn anything else, I’ll be sure to post it here either immediately, eventually, or never, depending on my workload.

Until then, fare-thee-well and start getting pumped for Back Stage Pass to Antarctica: The Truth Behind the Lies: Microbial Life in the Dry Valleys. (Don’t get too pumped, as I mentioned before, I’m pretty busy with grad school.)

Things That Did And Didn’t Happen at the Bosque Del Apache

Standard

Something Hitchcockian happened to me yesterday. Before I explain, I’d like to know, for quantitative research purposes, if anything Hitchockian has ever happened to you?

Have you ever, for instance, made a tongue-in-cheek pact with someone on a train about murdering each other’s spouses and then found out he wasn’t joking?

OR: Has your head ever detached from your body, taken on a strange green pallor and emitted rays in a purple vortex of vertiginous light?

vertigo-2

OR: Have you ever fallen in love with a woman only to discover she’s an actress hired by someone else to 1) impersonate his wife (whom he murdered) and 2) fake her death by “jumping” from a mission tower so he could switch out the body of his actual wife for his fake “hired” wife whom you’re in love with???

vertigoNo? Okay. That’s disappointing. I don’t want this blog to be all about me. I’m most comfortable writing about other people.

So…The Birds. 1963. Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren) is terrorized by legions of vicious birds in Bodega Bay. Film critic David Thomson called it Hitchcock’s “last unflawed film.”

movieposter

What happened to me yesterday at the Bosque del Apache, a bird sanctuary outside of Socorro, was really pretty similar to this seminal film about evil, psychosexual paranoia and loss of control over the natural world. I would like to take a moment here to compare and contrast the film with my experience.

First, some backstory: Every winter the Bosque del Apache’s marshy lakes are deluged with migratory snow geese, sandhill cranes, bald eagles, etc., attracting birders from all over the U.S. Dave and I decided to drive down and give it a once over.

Note: All text in quotes are taken from Wikipedia’s entry on The Birds.

What Was the Same

1) There were lots of birds

IMG_5426

birdsatplayground

Some of those birds attacked me.

IMG_5435

attackedbybirds

In The Birds, “An amateur ornithologist dismisses the reports of attacks as fanciful and argues about it with Melanie.”

disheveled

Dave dismissed my reports of attacks as fanciful and argued about it with me.

IMG_5434

In The Birds, “Melanie drives there and waits for class to end, initially unaware that a huge number of crows are massing nearby.”

smoking

We also drove there (to the Bosque). We weren’t waiting for class to end, but I was initially unaware that a huge number of snow geese were amassing nearby.

IMG_5429

“The film concludes ambiguously, as the car carrying Melanie, the Brenners and the lovebirds slowly makes its way through a landscape where tens of thousands of birds are perched.”

Our trip also concluded ambiguously, pretty much the exact same way! (Except without all of those extra people in the car).

What Was Different

“At Cathy’s birthday party the next day, the children are set upon by seagulls.”

childrenattack

That didn’t happen.

“Melanie develops a relationship with Mitch, his widowed mother Lydia (Jessica Tandy) and his younger sister Cathy (Veronica Cartwright).”

The Birds Alfred Hitchcock Tippi Hedren Suzanne Pleshette pic 1

I didn’t really build any new meaningful relationships to speak of.

A drunk believes the attacks are a sign of the Apocalypse, and a traveling salesman suggests exterminating them all.

Running

Dave and I didn’t drink a thing on the trip and you aren’t allowed to shoot birds at the sanctuary, no matter what they do to you.

So, I fully admit that there are some significant discrepancies between the plot summary for The Birds and our own little outing to the bird sanctuary.

Another difference is–Dave was right– I wasn’t really attacked by birds as much as I let on.

IMG_5437

In The Birds, Hitchcock neglected to include a shot of a lone sandhill crane.

IMG_5439

I think this was a bad move.

In The Birds Tippi Hedren never took time out to “bird watch” the birds that were attacking her.

IMG_5438

In The Birds, Tippi looks pretty fantastic while under attack.

attackedbybirds

I could probably have looked a little better with some effort.

IMG_5436

So that was my HItchcockian event.

Hitchcockian-ish.

(Incidentally, I saw Tippi Hedren speak live before a showing of Alfred Hitchcock’s Marnie at the Kimo Theater in Albuquerque. You’re probably all aware of Hitchcock’s obsessive infatuation with Hedren on the set of The Birds and Marnie. When she smacked down his advances, he ruined her career.

Hitchcock is still one of my favorite directors, but he had his moments of douchebaggery.)