Well, after the groundswell of enthusiasm for Sloosh, I have decided against my better judgment to publish another Civil War story. Don’t worry, my insatiable devotées of secessionist-farce, there are plenty more where this came from.
Look and See
When will this dreadful war be over, asked Eliza Lovejoy.
(In a southern drawl.)
Too many men have already died, lamented Sadie Allbright.
(In the same sort of southern drawl.)
I hear that more men died at Shiloh alone than all the wars previous, said Eliza.
I hear there have already been some seven thousand theaters of war, said Sadie.
I hear they’re expecting ten thousand all together.
(The women paused and hemmed some flounces.)
I wonder who will prevail in the end, the North or the South? Eliza continued after a time.
I do most fervently hope the South.
I share that sentiment!
Otherwise our men will suffer ignominy and shame!
And carpetbaggers will descend from the North!
There will probably be some sort of Reconstruction!
And cultural shaming that will last for at least one hundred years!
Was that a bugle I just heard! Eliza gasped.
Are they advancing upon us?! Sadie rose to her feet.
No, I think it was just Mr. Murphy, the rooster. Mr. Murphy crowed and it sounded like a bugle.
We can’t live with such fear. Perhaps we should leave for Appomattox!
Surely we will be safer in Appomattox!
I have a house there!
Right by the courthouse.
That sounds safe. I will go pack the cedar trunk, said Eliza.
Let us leave this war ravaged county behind. Did you hear the sound of breaking glass?
That was likely just Mr. Murphy, the rooster, crashing through the drawing room window.
Poor Mr. Murphy. I wish we could peer into the future to see who wins.
You mean like a “look-see?”
Yes, a “look-see.”
Look and see now! Eliza cried. There are men in the yard! They appear to be Union!
They’re stealing Mr. Murphy and all your livestock!
They’re coming this way!
Scream to defend our honor!
(Too late. Six men were already in the parlor).
The South is lost, said Colonel Shephard, Union officer.
We’ll never surrender. You’ll have to take us alive!
No need to surrender ladies, we’re just here to plunder your estate.
(The men plundered the estate then left.)
That wasn’t so bad, said Eliza.
Do you smell smoke? Asked Sadie.
Could it just be Mr. Murphy…involved somehow…with fire?
No, the house is on fire.
Now’s when we should go to Appomattox.
I have a good feeling about Appomattox.