Dogs I Named

Do you know what is fun? Naming dogs. Problem is I don’t have a dog and will probably not be procuring one in the foreseeable future. Plus I don’t want to name just one dog. I want to name a whole legion of dogs. And get paid for it. Or if not paid, I just want to volunteer my time as a dog namer and maybe be recognized at a company banquet or non-profit newsletter.


A few years ago, I was cooling my heels in a waiting room, eavesdropping on a woman as she talked on the phone. It seemed to be a business call. It wasn’t long before I realized the business she was up to was dispatching dog names for the humane society or some such dog adoption agency. The phone conversation was about the names she had chosen for a new batch of intakes. Her idea was to name them all after brands of gum, i.e. Wrigley, Beechnut, Bazooka.

I remember sitting there wishing I were her. Wishing that were me. That it was my job to point at a doggie and say, “From henceforth you shall be called Dentyne Ice.” That was three years ago and I still remember it.

But yesterday when I was biking home, I had a realization. It went something like this: “Hey! Ooooh, hey. I don’t need to be in the business of rescuing, breeding or selling dogs to name them. I could…oh my god…I could just google doggie images online, post them and name them on my blog. Would that be wrong? Would that be taking advantage of a semi-public, barely read forum to live out my dog-naming fantasies?

I don’t see the harm. Unless the harm is to you, the reader, who must scroll down through my doggie pictures. But it’s not like I’m forcing you to scroll down. It’s all voluntary this blog reading. You could stop right now and go see what’s happening on instead, for example. You have complete free will so I take no responsibility for wasting your time.

Dogs I Named


Officer Crupkee




Dr. Jim Johnson


American Psycho


Goober LaRue








Papworth (named after my orthodontist. He’s really good.)




Mr. Fluffers





Ice Face



Wow. That felt really good. Wow.

I’ve also always wanted to name colors swatches for Pantone. Maybe I’ll do that next week.

And remember, free will is our birth right, our blessing, our curse, our existential imperative.

“A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.”

Arthur Schopenhauer said that. He lived alone with a succession of beloved poodles named Atma and Butz. Those were their names. But according to, he addressed them each as “Sir.”


7 thoughts on “Dogs I Named

  1. any combo of great dog pictures and fitting dog names works for me. ever notice that there are fewer spots and other boring names. sorry, but it does take some extra effort to find a people name that goes with a canine. more of these please, in your spare time

  2. just read this again; still great. takes a good amount of thinking to come up with a so-called human name for a dog

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