F Is for Facebook

I have a movie idea. It’s probably not as good as Andy’s movie idea in which the history of the world is reinacted by babies. But not as bad as my other movie called Yellowstone about a troubled kid named Paul Stupinsky who accidentally started the great Yellowstone fire of 1988 and spends the rest of his young adult life living in a suspended state of shame until in the end he tells the truth but nobody believes him or cares.

The best part would be flashbacks to lodgepole pines buckling under the heat and flowers crumpling like cellophane and animals stampeding from the flames. The worst part would be the overwrought acting and sentimental script.

Crown Fire Elk
What have I done!!??? (Screams Paul Stupinsky’s voice over).

My new movie is called F is for Facebook, kind of a riff off V is for Vendetta. Basically what happens in the dystopian, totalitarian future is that Facebook now has photo id’s for nearly every person on earth, is tracking their whereabouts, their purchases, their correspondence, their politics, and what they just picked from their garden.

Sometime in 2015, the Palo Alto Facebook offices were co-opted by a shadowy organization known as FACE, the American version of the East German Stasi. Facebook is like FACE’s book of all of our faces.

Picture this with an F instead of a V and Isabella Rossellini’s face. F is for Facebook.

The only way to escape Facebook is to alter your face, so everyone goes in these seedy, back-alley face-alterating clinics. Chinese people become white people, white people become Latinos. Some people even alter their babies’ and pets’ faces as well. St. Bernards become mastiffs, etc. Once you have switched faces you are considered rogue, de-faced and a fugitive from FACE.

There would be oodles of pithy one-liners such as:

“How do you like me now?” said by the protagonist to the FACE grandmaster upon infiltrating FACE headquarters.


“I’m thinking of quitting Facebook,” said ironically by a character bleeding to death on the street after being assassinated by a FACE operative.

Around the one hour mark, it would all devolve into a post-modern melee of misinformation, misidentification and misdirecting status updates. A good deal of the action would take place online, the actors wouldn’t have to do much other than look at screens and act variously terrified, indignant, spunky, audacious, determined or perplexed.

In my movie, starring Dominic Monaghan and Julia Stiles, FACE would be dismantled in the end, but at great cost to society. Everyone has new faces or swapped faces. (Halfway through, Isabella Rossellini would take over the role of Julia Stiles’ character.) Nobody knows who anyone is anymore, which would leave room for a sequel about doppelganger-mania and large scale identity fraud.

Would you watch this movie? It was inspired by getting creeped out a couple of days ago when I went to post an album and Facebook automatically identified people without prompting.


5 thoughts on “F Is for Facebook

  1. awesome. F for Facebook: i could see a particular faction of activists wearing the same face (regardless of sex) and it being great and all until the furor is over and they begin to wonder if they took it a little too far and should have just worn masks instead…

  2. I am way cheaper than Julia Stiles. So if you need a leading lady with Stiles-ish appeal for way cheaper, give me a call. But you will have to rethink the actress playing the older me. Maybe Sally Field?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s