Stuff You Missed & Bosque Thru-Hikers Guide, Part I

pond Was there ever a greater mockery of summer than “summer school?” No, there wasn’t.

We have summer school to blame for this very delinquent post on the Rio Grande Bosque. And for most other current reckless behavior in my life (like backing into my driveway wall as I was leaving my house for… summer school.)

But that’s okay, because now instead of a practical, timely, must-see guide to the bosque, I have a nostalgic, too-late-now, retrospective guide to the bosque. mulberry My guide will allow you to lament all of those things you didn’t see in the bosque this spring and yearn to see them next year (while also suspecting that this is an impossible dream, and vaguely wanting to die).

One night in the Jemez, my friend Molly spun us a campfire yarn of a famous thru hiker known as “Insane Dwayne” who lives in a canoe in the Everglades surviving on turtles and alligators (when he is not hiking thru things).

This set in motion a false-nostalgic train of thought that began with: Freedom of Choice(!), veered to Freedom to Ingest Turtles, and ended with: Could I (me??) live in the bosque? (I say false-nostalgic because I have never myself lived in a canoe, but I also somehow feel like I have.) Could I live in the bosque?

No, as everyone who knows how much I hate mysteriously rustling grass can tell you, I could not. But I could hike thru it. That is an attainable goal. The Paseo del Bosque is only 16 miles. I could hike through it this fall and probably survive if I am well equipped and well versed in bosque flora.

This could be a decent place to sleep

For this reason, I am compiling a season-specific bosque reference guide, which I am archiving here on Spartan Holiday. My purpose is twofold: to make you feel false-nostalgic pangs about the majesties of spring that you missed (yet somehow feel like you didn’t), and to ensure my own survival in any season.

Bosque Thru-Hikers Guide: Late Spring

1) Mulberries

mulberry2 The sweetest, most identifiable berry, and nostalgic crayon color. Has there ever been a berry so stacked, luscious, and fiendishly scrappy as the mulberries in the bosque this damp spring? Now they’re past season.

Always be careful who you tell about the locations of mulberry trees in the bosque. Do not tell bored teenagers or Amish people (who in my experience can clean a tree in three minutes) or little girls with buckets.

2) Yerba Mansa

photo credit to Dara Saville

You might still catch the lovely, and deliquescent yerba mansa, but if you pick it, God help you.

This is an endangered flower slated for certain death, but for an entire movement called the Yerba Mansa Project devoted to resuscitating the potent herb in the bosque.

How would you have recognized it if you had seen it? “In the light of the setting sun the white petal-like sepals of Yerba Mansa radiate an iridescent glow that reflects an otherworldly palate of colors,” writes my friend, herbal sorceress, and project founder, Dara Saville.

Oh there is nothing I wouldn’t do for this flower whose roots are (according to Dara) “anti-inflammatory, broadly anti-microbial, astringent, anti-catarrhal, and tonifying to the mucous membranes!”

3) Ravenna Grass

a.k.a elephant grass

Invasive Ravenna grass clusters in grotesque tussocks mostly near the zoo where it escaped from the Africa exhibit, in a way, way more boring version of Jurassic Park. Ravenna grass is locked in a zero sum death match with yerba mansa, which makes it a mortal enemy of the Yerba Mansa Project.

You can still see it; it will never die because it is invasive. Unless we all take it upon ourselves (during sanctioned workdays) to dig them up.

Which we will. Because if there’s one thing we can say about humanity, it’s that we are geniuses at coming together to safeguard the integrity of our ecosystems, especially on hot weekend mornings when we could be eating waffles instead (at least I think that’s what people say).

4) Wild Irises

lastirises Louis, Carry, and I were walking by the clear ditch in late May when Carry noticed this electrifying patch of wild yellow irises. I didn’t know that irises grew near riverbanks. I picture them mostly as the hobby flowers of shrill-voiced English ladies, so I was suspicious and cynical, at first.

But when Louis screamed, “Lemon curd and buttercream!” It put me at ease. Oh, Louis. Never will I have a more resplendent day in the Bosque than that day with Louis (and his mom) and his encyclopedic knowledge of native plants.

5) Bike-In Coffee

bic The Bike-In Coffee food truck, parked on Old Town Farm property (just southwards and eastwards of I-40), is a thru-hikers dream. It will be open until October but never dreamier than in the month of May.

It’s called Bike-In Coffee because, really, it’s for bikers and hikers, not lazy people driving their cars and bounding like spaniels up to the counter. But if you’re smart, you’ll park two miles away and then hike in, loudly announce how hot it is, and how far you walked, so as not to be associated with those people who parked much closer. bic2 After a taxing day of eating only mulberries, you can relax a spell and order an iced coffee and giant slab of recycled chocolate cake (so-named from left-over coffee and spent grains procured from Ponderosa Brewing Co). Or this blue cornmeal cake with farm cherries (which is probably already off the menu).

I think no cake will ever taste as good as this cake in the company of my lone self, pining over memories of my old friends Carry and Louis, who had walked with me there mere days before. bic7 Okay, let’s get real for a second, at this point of my thru-hike, I will probably be tempted to flame out and hide from my sponsors in one of the horse stables with a plateful of cookie scones.

Wasted soup makes thru-hikers mad
Wasted soup makes thru-hikers mad

I want to tell my future self: “No. Keep Going. Those horses don’t like you. And there is so much more to see,” as future installments of this guide will make abundantly clear.

City life is hard–what with its density, urbanity, and impossible Chihuahuas. Sometimes a person just wants to throw off the shackles of civilization/summer school and go AWOL in the Rio Grande Bosque for a couple of weeks. I understand. And so, we shall return in the fall to see what you missed late summer.


Shocking Announcement & Let’s Go to the Bosque!

Did you really think Spartan Holiday was dead? Haaa haa. Oh my god, no.

It’s like your parents telling you that your childhood kitten, Mr. Mitten Face, is dead, when they really just released it into the woods as part of the Cat Re-wilding Movement. But then after time passes, there’s your cat, all grown up, rippling with muscle, ridiculous survival skills, and a faux-hawk.

button eyes copy

That is Spartan Holiday.

Because also, Mr. Mitten Face really wants to tell you about some awesome recent discoveries. Rrroww rroow rrow, he says. That means “Follow me to the bosque” in cat language.

A bosque pond in fall

The bosque is the verdant, watery, cottonwoody, apache-plumey spine of our city (Albuquerque). Right now the Rio Grande is enjoying a brief stint as a full-blooded river due to the freakish amount of spring rainfall. Also! – The mulberries are ripe.

Lately I have been forcing all of my friends to go on long hike-walks in which we often get lost but..have amazing adventures in the bosque! As I am running out of friends to invite, since word is getting around about my bosque death marches, I am inviting you, my faithful readers.

Here’s what it looks like!

canal thingy by the river
canal thingy by the river

Prepare yourself for a whole mini-series on bosque lore: Where did that invasive elephant grass come from? Where can I fortify myself for continued death mar…I mean riverine frolicks, with cold pressed coffee and scookies (a cookie-scone hybrid)? Where can I actually get in the river without awkward consequences?

I know the answers to all of these questions and more!

And I shall tell you soonish.